Rocky's Revenge

From the AP.

An unusually aggressive squirrel attacked three people in a German town before its last victim finished it off with a crutch, police said Wednesday. The rodent jumped through a living-room window in Passau, on the Austrian border, on Tuesday and bit its first victim. With the squirrel hanging on by its teeth, the woman ran out into the street, where she managed to shake the animal off. The squirrel then bit a builder before fleeing into a nearby garden, where it bit a 72-year-old man who eventually killed it with his crutch, police said.

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Rocket J. Squirrel hasn't been the same since Bullwinkle's death.

See previous blog entry 'Alaska Moose brings Down Helicopter' from March 2007


--Will

Jumping Sturgeon Injures Woman

From the AP:

ROCK BLUFF, FL (AP) -- A woman was injured over the weekend by a leaping sturgeon, the latest incident involving the flying fish on the Suwannee River, officials said.

Tara Spears, 32, of Bell, was knocked unconscious by the animal on Sunday while boating on the river north of Rock Bluff, the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission reported.

She was taken to a hospital with non-life-threatening injuries and was expected to recover, the agency reported.

The large, prehistoric-looking sturgeon have hard plates along their backs. They can grow up to 8 feet long and up to 200 pounds.

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Someone with the name 'spears' is attacked by a fish. You can't make this stuff up.

--Will

The Wrong Kind of Boost

From the AP:

NEW YORK - A man has sued the maker of the health drink Boost Plus, claiming the vitamin-enriched beverage gave him an erection that would not subside and caused him to be hospitalized.

The lawsuit filed by Christopher Woods of New York said he bought the nutrition beverage made by the pharmaceutical company Novartis AG (NVS) at a drugstore on June 5, 2004, and drank it.

Woods' court papers say he woke up the next morning "with an erection that would not subside" and sought treatment that day for the condition, called severe priapism.

They say Woods, 29, underwent surgery for implantation of a Winter shunt, which moves blood from one area to another.

...

Novartis' Boost Plus Web site describes the drink as "a great tasting, high calorie, nutritionally complete oral supplement for people who require extra energy and protein in a limited volume," in vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.

He needed surgery?!? I thought the cure for priapism was marriage.

The same thing happened to me after I drank a Boost Plus. The problem was compounded by my taking iron supplements at the time. Every time I sat in my chair it swiveled to point north.

--Will

Hugh Grant, Environmentalist

From FoxNews.com

Hugh Grant Arrested After Alleged 'Baked Beans' Attack on Photographer

LONDON — Hugh Grant has been arrested for allegedly throwing a container of baked beans at a photographer, London police said.

The Metropolitan Police don't identify suspects who haven't been charged, but said a 46-year-old man was arrested Wednesday night on suspicion of assault and released on bail. No charges have been filed, police said.

Grant's lawyers weren't immediately available for comment.

Photographer Ian Whittaker told the Daily Star tabloid that Grant had kicked him and shouted abuse before hurling the beans at him Tuesday morning.

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Actor Hugh Grant soldifies his credentials by using baked beans in an attack BEFORE he's eaten them, not after.

Carbon Neutral

Searching around my cluttered mind, I've remembered a bit of basic geology, and had a thought about this environmental concept of living a 'carbon neutral' life.

Diamonds are made of carbon.

Does this mean guys should stop giving women diamonds?

Be Verwee Quiet, I'm Hunting Wabbit

From Spiegel Online:

An elderly Austrian woman required hospital treatment after being attacked by what was described as a 'crazed hare.' Police were forced to shoot the rampaging beast before it could hurt anybody else.

In a scene eerily reminiscent of the attack of the "most foul, cruel, and bad tempered" rabbit in the cult movie "Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail," the Linz hare assaulted a 74-year-old woman who was hanging laundry in her garden early Monday morning. The animal, described as a "crazed hare" in a statement by Linz police department, bit the woman's foot, causing her to fall.

The unidentified woman, still under attack by the rampant hare, was eventually able to escape into her home, where her husband called the police before going outside to attempt to shoo the bunny away.

When police arrived on the scene, they found the 78-year-old man fighting the hare off with a stick -- and losing. Police asked the man to go inside. When the hare refused to give up the fight, the police were forced to shoot and kill the animal.

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The Easter Bunny waking up from his post-holiday drinking binge?

Someone Needs to Shoot ...

The guy who came up with the 'Heat Index' measurement. Shoot him.

I live in Central Texas. When its a 101 degrees I don't need someone telling me: It feels like 110 degrees.

Shot him.

And save a bullet for the first person who ever said: But its a dry heat.

Our Long National Nightmare is Over

From the AP:

DNA analysis has proven that former Anna Nicole Smith boyfriend Larry Birkhead is the father of her infant daughter, an expert in genetic evidence said Tuesday following a closed court hearing in a legal battle for custody of the girl. Dr. Michael Baird, who analyzed the results of a March 21 DNA test, announced the results outside the court. ''Essentially, he's the biological father,'' Baird told reporters.

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With that determined we are all free to get along with our lives.

I told you it wasn't me.

Why Online Matchmaking Sites Are A Scam

Through exhaustive research I have come to believe that all those online 'matchmaking' services are a scam. It is one giant computer, and all they do is match a couple of words or phrases from the profiles you write with other member's profiles.

Exhibit 'A'.

When I wrote I wanted to get back into dating by starting small until I found myself, they hooked me up with a midget who sells GPS tracking systems.

Yoga for Dogs?!?

From the AP:

Humane Society Holds Dog Yoga Class

BELLEVUE, Wash. (AP) - By the end of their doggie yoga class, most of the wandering and sniffing participants are passed out on their mats, in a position their instructor calls the "upward facing belly pose."

Beans, a majestic 2-year-old Vizsla, however, is ready to play. The overgrown puppy has tried to relax with his owner, Chantale Anderson, but once Magnet the black lab heads off to explore the room, Beans is ready to go.

Mostly, however, both the dogs and the humans on a recent evening at the Seattle/King County Humane Society seemed relaxed and focused for about 40 minutes of "doggie yoga."

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Oh, come on. Does an animal that's already limber enough to lick itself into happy, restful oblivion really NEED yoga?

I'm Guessing More Than the Ball was Spiked

From the BBC News:

Brawl halts team sports in Greece

Greek authorities have cancelled all team sports matches for two weeks after a mass brawl between rival women's volleyball fans left one man dead.

"All team sports will be suspended... until 13 April," a government spokesman said after a cabinet meeting called to discuss the violence.

The pitched battle took place between fans of Olympiakos Piraeus and Panathinaikos near Athens.

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After a WOMAN'S volleyball game??? Of all the things I'd feel compelled to engage in after watching a dozen lean, leggy, athletic women scurrying about in shorts, brawling ain't one of them.

We Won't Always Have Paris

From the AP:

Prosecutors: Revoke Hilton's Probation

LOS ANGELES (AP) - City prosecutors said Thursday they will ask a judge to revoke Paris Hilton's probation in a reckless driving case, a move that could lead to a jail term.

The decision followed an investigation into whether the hotel heiress and reality star violated terms of her probation by driving last month with a suspended license.

"We're confident we have sufficient evidence to prove that her license was suspended and that she had knowledge of that suspension," said Nick Velasquez, a spokesman for the city attorney's office. He declined to elaborate on the evidence, citing an ongoing investigation.

Hilton could face up to 90 days in jail if a judge finds she violated her probation, Velasquez said. A hearing was set for April 17, but Hilton is not required to attend.

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I'm tired. Insert your own snarky comment.

Another Booth I Missed During 'Career Day'

From the BBC:

Durex has launched its first UK recruitment drive for thousands of condom testers. The condom maker wants a panel of 5,000 people who are single, married, or in couples to report their experiences of using its condoms and lubricants.

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Another booth I somehow missed at 'Career Day' in high school.

I Ate The Chip On My Shoulder With French Onion Dip

From the Independent (London, UK),

Napoleon, Stalin and Franco had more in common than being tyrants and dictators. They were all rather on the short side and helped to engender the belief that men of below average height were more aggressive than their taller peers.

But now the so-called Napoleon complex or Short Man Syndrome - which determines that 80 per cent of the population believe that small men are angry - has been put to the test by scientists who have established that, on average, it is tall men who are more likely to become the aggressor in conflicts.

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5-foot-5 and very happy and secure in the knowledge that the vast majority of men taller than me are intellectually vapid and morally bankrupt.

I'm not bitter. Really, I'm not.

They Never Claim To Have A Headache

From the AP:

A 20-year-old man received probation after he was convicted of having sexual contact with a dead deer. The sentence also requires Bryan James Hathaway to be evaluated as a sex offender and treated at the Institute for Psychological and Sexual Health in Duluth, Minn.

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I've often wondered why the name 'Bambi' is often adopted by sexually 'expressive' women. Maybe they are tapping into some subconscious stream.

Your Airline Seat Becomes A What ...?

On a recent trip to the West Coast I flew on an airplane for the first time since the Nixon Administration, so I paid particular attention to the 'Safety' instructions, though they have been parodied on film enough that I'm already familiar with them.

I would like to take issue with the phrase ... in case of a water landing. Unless you've got pontoons on the belly or wings of the plane, you are not making a 'water landing'. What you are making is a WET CRASH.

Anyway, in case of a 'water landing', you are reminded not to inflate your life vest while still in the airplane, but wait until you are out into the water. I understand that. If you inflate inside the cabin and the water rushes in, the bouyancy of the vest could pin you in place to the top of the cabin and you won't be able to swim out.

So, in case there isn't the time or opportunity to board a life raft, you wait until you are clear of the plane (assuming you can make it through the water and the panic of yourselves and others) to inflate the vest. But what if you pull the inflation strap or straps and the vest doesn't inflate? There is a backup. You blow into a little tube -- if you can find it -- and inflate the vest yourself.

Ooooookay.

I've just made a 'water landing', I've had to swim out of a sinking airplane (through panic and darkness) , and now, until I am safely onboard a raft (assuming there had been time to deploy them) I now may need to inflate a life vest myself. I am no world class athlete, but in case of an emergency (a really, really serious one that might require it) I have the reflexes and the, ah, Will Power to dash out of Harm's Way. But after a 'water landing', fighting out of a sinking airplane, and being forced to tread water, I'm afraid I might be a bit too winded to inflate my own freaking life vest!

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Stay Tuned for future Travel Notes and Observations

'Survivor' Winner Found Prison Horrendous

From the AP:

Richard Hatch, who won $1 million on "Survivor," says being in prison for failing to pay taxes on his reality TV prize and other income is no day at the beach. Hatch, who became known as the "naked fat guy" for refusing to wear clothes for much of the CBS show, was convicted last year.

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You'd think an openly gay millionaire would have inmates lining up to be his friend.

Alaska Moose Brings Down Helicopter

From the AP:

ANCHORAGE, Alaska (AP) - A helicopter is not necessarily a match for an angry moose. Instead of lying down after being shot with a tranquilizer dart, a moose charged a hovering helicopter used by a wildlife biologist, damaging the aircraft's tail rotor and forcing it to the ground.

Neither the pilot nor the biologist was injured, but the moose was maimed by the spinning rotor and had to be euthanized, wildlife officials said.

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"Hey, Rocky! Watch me pull a helicopter out of the sky!"

The funeral is Friday . Rocket J. Squirrel will deliver the eulogy. Pallbearers will include Boris Badanov, Natasha Fatale, Dudley Do-Right and Peabody and Sherman.

Hot baths cut chance of fatherhood

From The Independent (UK)

Men seeking to become a father should avoid soaking in hot baths, according to a study on male fertility.

A three-year pilot project involving 11 men found that there was some truth in the old wives' tale about hot baths being bad for a man's prospects of conceiving.

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I'm pretty certain any woman we ask will tell us NOT taking hot baths will also reduce the chance of a man becoming a father.

Body Parts Delivered to Michigan Home

From the AP:

CASCADE TOWNSHIP, Mich. (AP) - Two packages containing human body parts - including a liver and part of a head - meant for a medical research lab instead were delivered to a home.

The body parts, sent from China, were mistakenly dropped off Thursday at Franck and Ludivine Larmande's home by a DHL express driver who believed the bubble-wrapped items were pieces to a table.

...

Authorities believe 28 more bubble-wrapped human organs and body parts could be dispersed across the country, The Grand Rapids Press reported.

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For anyone who's said they'd give an arm and a leg for a good, fast, reliable delivery company ...

Australian Woman Sentenced for Smuggling Fish

From the AP:

MELBOURNE, Australia - An Australian woman was sentenced Friday to nine months of community service work for smuggling protected fish from Asia in her dress.

Sharon Naismith, 45, was caught in June 2005 ... officers heard "flipping" noises coming from her clothes and conducted a search, Australian Customs said.

In a specially made apron under her dress, they found 15 plastic bags filled with water and fish: one rare Asian arowana that customs said was worth tens of thousands of dollars, and 14 catfish.

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Pardon me Miss, is that an arowana in your dress, or are you just happy to see me?

Pamela Anderson: Animal Lover

Pamela Anderson, well known blonde and PETA member, has suddenly realized her Australian sheepskin ugg boots are made of ... sheepskins. She will stop wearing them, and ... says she is designing her own version using synthetic materials.

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I think she will do well. It is clear when looking at Ms Anderson (especially when she's in a swimsuit) that she has quick and easy access to an abundance of synthetic materials.

Asteroid Heading Toward Earth!!!

Scientists reported this week that on April 13, 2036, an asteroid has a 1 in 45,000 chance of hitting Earth.

Note: April 13, 2036 is Easter Sunday.

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Might want to schedule your Easter egg hunts for earlier in the day.

But don't worry, the U.N. is on the case. Yeah, right. They can't stop genicide here on Earth in Darfur, but they'll be able to stop an asteroid hurtling toward the planet. Especially if the Lord is timing it for an Easter surprise.

Climbers Rescued on Mt. Hood

Good news concerning the rescue of the stranded climbers on Mount Hood.

The two women and a man were rescued after surviving a brutal night huddled in sleeping bags, shielding themselves from high winds.

--

Seems like a lot of trouble for a guy to go through to live the fantasy of spending the night with two women.

Couple Plan to Tie the Knot in Graveyard

A midwest couple plan to marry in a graveyard.

The groom, Scott Amslera, a computer expert for a financial company, is also a rehabber of old hearses. The bride, Miranda Patterson, offers the assurance: "We're not going to do anything stupid or horrible. We just want to have a wedding."

Ms. Patterson points out that it doesn't matter where thet get married, just as long as they get married.

I've heard of wives driving their husbands to an early grave, but this has got to be some kind of record.

Her Baby's Daddy

I am NOT the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby.

Just wanted to get that on public record.

Brutney Spears Shaves Her ... What?

You don't suppose Britney Spears misinterpreted an overhead remark someone made about some guys finding shaved women sexy? I mean, she is, after all, a blonde. Or was.

Welcome to the 'On Wry Bread' Blog. Why 'On Wry Bread'? Because the humor will be sarcastic, sardonic, and severly slanted while served up in sandwich form. No large, 3-course meals here. Just snack-sized, short and to the point ... fluffy and non-filling, wanting you to come back for more.